I said that I hadn't done anything with a man before, he responded that he thought it best if we just sat and had a chat. I liked the sound of that and felt comfortable knowing that there would be no expectations on me.The entire drive over there I felt my heart pounding in my chest. What am I doing? This guy could be crazy! These thoughts carried on for the rest of my short drive over. When I arrived I parked up and walked up his drive way to the front door. I only knocked once and he had opened the door and invited me in. I stepped into the door and he said it was best if we talked in the bedroom he and his wife shared. I agreeed and followed him up the stairs. He showed me into his room and I sat down on the edge of his bed.I started trying to make small talk, he only really responded with short sharp answers. I didn't feel like he had any interest in taking but I carried on trying until finally he turned to me cutting me off mid sentence and said 'what will it take to get you to. Maybe I did. I don’t know, anymore. I didn’t bother with shaving, because some days it’s just too much fucking work and I always cut myself. I step from the shower, squeaky clean and cold in the winter air, steaming like a baby just born in the arctic, minus the afterbirth. And the beautiful spiritual moment when those around you realize that you have your whole life ahead of you, the appreciative awe, that first instant when you really have ALL of it ahead of you. Then the second hand ticks and it’s already started falling behind, it’s all downhill, now. Dressing is a matter of finding something I have not stepped on with dirty shoes, something that’s not too wrinkled, just enough to fit in at the bars I go to. Jeans, a t-shirt for some group that passed through the place I work. I drive to the bar, watching the streetlights pass by, feeling like I’m driving through the mouth of some great, technological creature and all the evenly spaced lights are teeth waiting to crash down and.
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